Important Virus Information

The Man United Virus - This is where the computer develops a
memory disorder, and forgets about everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt Virus - This one is especially hard to
detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The David Beckham Virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The
computer looks great, all the lights come on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Kicks you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson Virus - The computer develops a continuous whining
noise and the on-screen clock runs a lot faster or slower than all the other
computers in the building.

The Diego Forlan Virus - The computer is unable to get anything into the
'inbox'.

The Fabian Bartez Virus - You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs Virus - The computer develops a processor problem
whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic
fluctuation in performance.

Posh Spice and David Beckham were sat in front of the television watching the Six o'clock news. The
headline feature was a man who was threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the
busy road below. Posh turns to Beckham and says "Dave, I bet you £5000 that he jumps!" to which
Beckham replies "£5000! Done" The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £5000 out of his
pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. "I was cheating. I saw the five
o'clock news so I knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money". Beckham replies "No
Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too, I also saw the news at five, I just didn't
think he would do it again!!!"

David Beckham was doing a jigsaw of a tiger but gave up after eight hours when Victoria pointed out
that the tiger on the box was Tony the Tiger and the pieces were in fact Kellogs Frosties.

Q: How Many Man Utd Fans Does It take To Screw In a Light Bulb?
A: FOUR........One to screw the lightbulb, one to hold the chair, one to buy the commemorative shirt
and the other to drive them all up from LONDON.

Did you hear about the Man Utd fan who thought that Jonny Cash was change out of a Condom
machine.

Q: What is red, white and immensely funny?
A: A coach full of Man Utd fans driving off a cliff.

Q: What is the difference between David Beckham and an Airfix model?
A: One is a glueless kit whereas the other is a Clueless Git.

Did you hear about the Man Utd fan who studied for 2 weeks to take a Urine Test?

A man walks into a sports shop and asks the sales assistant for a packet of condoms. The girl points
out the man's mistake and gives him directions to the chemist. Ten minutes later he returns and asks the
same girl for some haemorrhoid cream. The girl again states to the man he needs a chemist and again
gives him directions. An hour later the man returns again only for the sales assistant to snap "Look this
isn't a bloody chemist so Fuck Off". The man apologises for his behaviour saying "I'm sorry luv but it is
a little bit embarrassing asking for a Man U shirt".

Q: What do you call a pregnant Man Utd Fan?
A: A dope carrier.

Q: What does a Sperm and a Man Utd fan have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming human.

Q: What is the difference between a Man Utd fan and a Trampoline?
A: You have to take your shoes off to jump on a Trampoline.

Q: What do you call a Man Utd fan in a suit?
A: The accused.

Q: You are trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Rattle snake and a Man Utd fan. You have a gun with
two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the scumbag twice of course.

Q: What is the difference between a dead Man Utd fan in the road and a dead dog in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy, a drunkard and a Man Utd From Manchester walking down
the road. The all see a £50 note on the pavement. Which one picks it up?
A: The drunk of course, the other three are mythical creatures.

Did you hear about the Man Utd fan who thought that a geriatric was a
German scoring three goals.